Zefram's Fingernails FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions about Zefram's fingernails

new, improved version - with answers!

(This is now very out of date. Read the full story.)

0. Contents

• 0. Contents
• 1. Zefram's fingernails
  • 1.0. What do Zefram's fingernails look like?
  • 1.1. Are they real?
  • 1.2. How do you grow them so long?
  • 1.3. Don't they break?
  • 1.4. Is the claw effect deliberate?
  • 1.5. Don't they get in the way of...?
  • 1.6. Which colour is that one?
• 2. The holes in Zefram's fingernails
  • 2.0. How do you pierce your fingernails?
  • 2.1. How often do you have to re-pierce them?
  • 2.2. Why haven't you pierced anything else?
• 3. That bloody chain
  • 3.0. Why?
  • 3.1. Doesn't it get in the way when you have a pee?
  • 3.2. You're completely mad, aren't you?

1. Zefram's fingernails

1.0. What do Zefram's fingernails look like?

1.1. Are they real?

Yes.

1.2. How do you grow them so long?

I just let them grow. I never got into the habit of cutting them, after I gave up biting them (in 1998).

1.3. Don't they break?

All too frequently. The most recent breakages of each nail were:

• left thumb: repeat breakage, because I hadn't filed it down far enough after the previous breakage
• left index finger: broke while karting
• left middle finger: broken while climbing a wall
• left ring finger: broke while ten-pin bowling (that's the hand I bowl with)
• left little finger: bitten by a rather excited girl, while we were snogging
• right thumb: broke while carrying heavy luggage
• right index finger: caught in a cupboard door
• right middle finger: unexpected encounter with a dressing table
• right ring finger: just got too long and unilaterally decided to break
• right little finger: burned in the course of an experiment to see whether it would hurt

1.4. Is the claw effect deliberate?

No. If I could control the shape that the nails grow, I'd choose a different one to be the claw.

Update! The claw is no more - it broke, losing half of its original length.

1.5. Don't they get in the way of...?

They get in the way of a lot of things. They help some things too. Here's a partial list:

1.6. Which colour is that one?

The colours vary from time to time. Right now my usual set is:

All of these are available at Boots.

At a goth event, there's a 50% chance that I'll just be wearing black and white ("Nightshade" and "Snowdrop" in the above list).

2. The holes in Zefram's fingernails

2.0. How do you pierce your fingernails?

I pierce them myself, using a hot needle. Specifically, I use a standard domestic darning needle, heated to yellow-hot in a miniature blow torch. The process is completely painless, except when I accidentally pierce my fingertips along with the nails.

2.1. How often do you have to re-pierce them?

I pierce them whenever I want to put a ring where there is currently no hole. I don't actively maintain any set of piercings, and indeed I have sometimes changed the set of fingernails in which I habitually wear rings.

Hypothetically, if I were to maintain a piercing in one nail, then presuming that the nail breaks as much as it grows (which in the long run it must), and presuming that I always pierce at my usual 5mm from the end of the nail, I would have to re-pierce it on the average every ten weeks. (My fingernails each grow about half a millimetre per week.) To maintain a piercing in each nail, I would have to perform an average of one piercing a week. In fact, I do much less than this: I currently have only eight nail piercings (seven different nails are pierced), and the nails do not break as much as they grow (they haven't had time to reach equilibrium).

2.2. Why haven't you pierced anything else?

I haven't decided what else I want pierced. For career reasons, it'll have to be something that's not visible when I'm wearing a business suit, but obviously has to be something I can expose at a goth event. I've considered a Prince Albert, but on the whole I'm leaning towards nipple piercings.

3. That bloody chain

3.0. Why?

It seemed like a good idea, when I thought of it. Even now that I know just how much of a nuisance it is, I still like the idea. It's one of those cases of "never mind whether it works in practice, does it work in theory?"

3.1. Doesn't it get in the way when you have a pee?

Yes. Especially if I'm wearing tights. A few other things:

3.2. You're completely mad, aren't you?

Astoundingly, this is not frequently asked.