These instructions take effect upon the death of Andrew Main, also known as Zefram. Sort out among yourselves who is to handle which instruction. Where the letter of the instructions is silent, contradictory, unclear, or infeasible, please apply the spirit of the instructions. None of these instructions take effect prior to Zefram's brain death, though preparatory work may be performed in anticipation of imminent death.
A hungry man together with a wise friend and a foolish friend went to a restaurant to assuage their hunger. There were many appetising dishes on the menu, and the three friends quickly made their selections and were ready to order their meals. But the hungry man was paranoid. Although the menu made no mention of glass, the hungry man had heard that many restaurants in this town would sprinkle flakes of broken glass on almost any meal ordered. So when the time came to order, the hungry man said unto the waiter "No glass flakes, please.", and the waiter duly wrote these words on the order pad.
When the trio's food arrived, the hungry man was dismayed to see that there were flakes of broken glass on all three meals. He stared gloomily at his own unappetising meal, and at his two friends eagerly consuming their own. For they were happy to eat the glass flakes: yea, it was unto them the most delicious condiment. So the man said unto his friends "What shall I do? I wish not to eat of the glass fragments, for they are spiky and unlike food. Yet I must eat, for I am hungry.".
The man's foolish friend said "Worry ye not, and eat your meal. Broken glass is the most wonderful ingredient ever devised, both tasty and good for the body. Thou will surely develop a liking for it. And verily, thy order has been heeded: the glass on your meal is less than the third part of the glass on mine.". And the man was unhappy.
The wise friend then took his turn to advise the man. "Though my liking for broken glass is unbounded,", he said, "the content of your meal is for you to choose. Send it back, for the chef is an idiot who thinks that sometimes "no" means yes. In his mind, if a man gives a clear instruction that is unlike his own preference then he can't possibly have meant it. Bring down your wrath on the fools who run this restaurant.".
The hungry man heeded his wise friend's advice. The waiter and the chef were ashamed, and they gave the man a tasty and glass-free meal. The man's stomach was filled and remained intact. Thereafter he was never compelled to eat broken glass again, for he recalled his wise friend's advice and always sent food back if it was unsatisfactory. And he lived the rest of his life contented.
Many years later the man became weak and ill, and likely to die shortly. He worried gravely, and his many friends said unto him "Whereof comes this unease? Thou hast been the most chilled out soul for so many years. Has thy long and productive life not met thy desires?".
The man, near death, replied to his friends "My desires have been met, and I am ready to die contented. All my affairs are set in order, and I have made instructions for a most satisfactory funeral. Yet I worry: for a corpse doesn't get to send his funeral back.".
After brain death, the body is of no special significance. Zefram requests that it be disposed of productively. Do not embalm it. The following disposal suggestions are in decreasing order of preference:
Combinations of these options are acceptable (e.g., donate organs and bury the rest). Other options not listed should be considered in accordance with the same general principles.
If the use of a coffin is required at any stage in handling the body, select one based on functionality, cost, and environmental impact: aesthetic appeal should not be a consideration. Cardboard will do nicely.
No religion. In particular, note that Zefram does not anticipate resurrection, reincarnation, or any other form of afterlife.
Don't waste resources on cut flowers or other forms of unproductive consumption.
Remember Zefram as he really was, not as you'd like him to have been.
Zefram's legal last will and testament is in hardcopy among his personal files. There is a drawer labelled "records : current", within which is a file labelled "will", within which is a sealed envelope containing the document. If the hardcopy is missing, the source may be found on Zefram's personal computer, in a file named "will.tex".
URLs pointing into Zefram's web space at http://www.fysh.org/~zefram/ have been published widely. These should remain valid in perpetuity. Therefore leave the files where they are and keep them hosted. Update personal/ and professional/ to reflect the change of personal circumstances, and also any pages that describe the current state of any of Zefram's projects. Other pages have no need to change. The pages should become a historical document or museum, not a mausoleum.
Reconfigure the <zefram@fysh.org> address to bounce all incoming mail with a message explaining the situation. Because the address has been published widely, this should remain in place in perpetuity.
Zefram has kept a record of all email he has sent and received since 2003-12-01. This may be published if there is sufficient historical interest. However, it must first be vetted to avoid publishing any information that is still confidential.
Zefram wishes to have no designated memorial location in meatspace. If disposing of bodily remains in an identifiable location (e.g., burying the body), work to avoid it becoming a place of pilgrimage. If burying the body, do not mark it on the surface unless there is a practical requirement to do so; if there is such a requirement, then mark as anonymously as possible and in a manner that is no more permanent than the remains themselves.
The designated memorial location in cyberspace is <http://www.fysh.org/~zefram/personal/>.
The memorial in the noosphere is the primary one.